So this is the first of many Joe’s Rant section. Every now and again when I got something on my mind (or any opinion) that I feel like vomiting onto a webpage to get out everything that is in my head, this is where I will be doing it. Today’s topic is the Final Fantasy VII – Remake…
Jeez… How long did it take Square to figure this one out? You have a hit game from the mid 90’s and need to gain more money. Before I get into this though, lets look at the slate of BS Square Enix has decided to release. They released a bunch of “in-betweeners” for Kingdom Hearts, 1.5, 3D, Birth by sleep, Chain of memories, 2.5… The list goes on. Instead of gracing the fans with what they really want, Kingdom Hearts 3, lets just push out a bunch of remakes and re-released of shit and rake in some cash without doing any real work.
REALLY!?!?! I love the Kingdom Hearts series and dare I say, one of THE BEST of all times. It pains me that its been nearly 10 years and Square has not released much of anything about Kingdom Hearts 3. We get the usual update at E3 or whatnot about new worlds but NO REAL NEWS. No Release date. No In Game scenes or cut scenes… NOTHING. Then they tell us to hold on to our butts and to tide us over here play this… Kingdom Hearts 2.8 (this is just my guess).
Now, back to the Final Fantasy (FF) series. How long has it been since we got a real FF game? Not an MMO, but a real FF game. To long. Now finally Final Fantasy 15 is coming out and it looks like garbage. Who is excited for this? really? Let’s look at some key points. The game has been in development longer then most staff members care to work on the game and ultimately left the company. Since this game has gone through so many hands and the key members of the Final Fantasy Team of old have since left, how can anyone have high hopes for this game?
If you plan to play because this game fucks your eyes and causes them to squirt worse than a whore drunk off speed-rack vodka, then I guess this game is for you. If you like me, and story line makes the game and graphics are secondary… then this is most likely going be more like that same drunk whore, but this time vomiting all over your dick before you cum causing your tiny member to shrivel up into your stomach, and then causing you to vomit in said whore’s hair. Yeah, this game is going to be that bad.
I do hope I am wrong, but lets face it. Square hasn’t had their shit together since Sakaguchi left the company. If this guy isn’t deceased, Square needs to throw money at him like Marvel throws money at Robert Downey Jr. to put on an Iron Man costume. Give Sakaguchi whatever he wants and have him fix everything that is going wrong inside the company.
Square won’t do that, instead they decided to announce a re-release Final Fantasy VII, and cause the fan boys/girl/men/woman etc. to cream in their hipster fitted panties. I don’t think I have seen so much cum in one place since Lisa Sparks decided to break the record of having sex with the most partners (919 to be exact). Again, Square is now going take everyone’s money for a less than stellar re-release. (yes you heard that right, LESS than stellar). Let’s look at the mistakes:
- no Sakaguchi (does this matter since the game was already made? Fuck yes it does)
- Releasing it in Episode form rather than media or full download
- Definitely going to leave out parts of the game (Cloud cross dressing)
- Long waits between episodes. Seriously just give us the fucking media
That short list alone is enough to cause me to want to punch some exec at Square in the face. However, am I still going to purchase this pile of dog shit… OF COURSE! This way I can shit on it and have a basis for it.
If they really wanted to make this game worth while and show the fans how much they appreciate them and rake in a shit-ton more money, all they have to do is:
- Release this on media
- Release a REAL collectors edition (not the one they have)
- Release art work for an extra few bucks
Thats it. Thats all the need to do. In the collectors edition release this shit on media, in a metal fucking case with a replica model of Cloud’s Buster Sword. Maybe a Tifa-sized wife beater (Extra room for the tits… guys please don’t squirt to much) and put in some little extras, maybe a key chain, or a pin, have it very limited edition and stamped or ingraved with the number on it. If they did this, I am sure people would spend well over $1,000 for it. it. I have no doubt about it.
So what are your thoughts on this remake? Let me know if I missed something. Did I fuck something up in my rant? if so feel free to post it below and tell me I am a fucking idiot. (Although you take the risk of me making fun of your penis for calling me an idiot).