Joe’s Rant: Final Fantasy VII – Remake?

May 10, 2016

So this is the first of many Joe’s Rant section.  Every now and again when I got something on my mind (or any opinion) that I feel like vomiting onto a webpage to get out everything that is in my head, this is where I will be doing it.  Today’s topic is the Final Fantasy VII – Remake

Jeez… How long did it take Square to figure this one out? You have a hit game from the mid 90’s and need to gain more money.  Before I get into this though, lets look at the slate of BS Square Enix has decided to release. They released a bunch of “in-betweeners” for Kingdom Hearts, 1.5, 3D, Birth by sleep, Chain of memories, 2.5… The list goes on.  Instead of gracing the fans with what they really want, Kingdom Hearts 3, lets just push out a bunch of remakes and re-released of shit and rake in some cash without doing any real work.

REALLY!?!?! I love the Kingdom Hearts series and dare I say, one of THE BEST of all times.  It pains me that its been nearly 10 years and Square has not released much of anything about Kingdom Hearts 3.  We get the usual update at E3 or whatnot about new worlds but NO REAL NEWS. No Release date. No In Game scenes or cut scenes… NOTHING.  Then they tell us to hold on to our butts and to tide us over here play this… Kingdom Hearts 2.8 (this is just my guess).

Now, back to the Final Fantasy (FF) series.  How long has it been since we got a real FF game? Not an MMO, but a real FF game.  To long.  Now finally Final Fantasy 15 is coming out and it looks like garbage.  Who is excited for this? really? Let’s look at some key points.  The game has been in development longer then most staff members care to work on the game and ultimately left the company.  Since this game has gone through so many hands and the key members of the Final Fantasy Team of old have since left, how can anyone have high hopes for this game?

If you plan to play because this game fucks your eyes and causes them to squirt worse than a whore drunk off speed-rack vodka, then I guess this game is for you.  If you like me, and story line makes the game and graphics are secondary… then this is most likely going be more like that same drunk whore, but this time vomiting all over your dick before you cum causing your tiny member to shrivel up into your stomach, and then causing you to vomit in said whore’s hair.  Yeah, this game is going to be that bad.

I do hope I am wrong, but lets face it. Square hasn’t had their shit together since Sakaguchi left the company.  If this guy isn’t deceased, Square needs to throw money at him like Marvel throws money at Robert Downey Jr. to put on an Iron Man costume. Give Sakaguchi whatever he wants and have him fix everything that is going wrong inside the company.

Square won’t do that, instead they decided to announce a re-release Final Fantasy VII, and cause the fan boys/girl/men/woman etc. to cream in their hipster fitted panties.  I don’t think I have seen so much cum in one place since Lisa Sparks decided to break the record of having sex with the most partners (919 to be exact). Again, Square is now going take everyone’s money for a less than stellar re-release. (yes you heard that right, LESS than stellar).  Let’s look at the mistakes:

  1. no Sakaguchi (does this matter since the game was already made? Fuck yes it does)
  2. Releasing it in Episode form rather than media or full download
  3. Definitely going to leave out parts of the game (Cloud cross dressing)
  4. Long waits between episodes. Seriously just give us the fucking media

That short list alone is enough to cause me to want to punch some exec at Square in the face.  However, am I still going to purchase this pile of dog shit… OF COURSE! This way I can shit on it and have a basis for it.

If they really wanted to make this game worth while and show the fans how much they appreciate them and rake in a shit-ton more money, all they have to do is:

  1. Release this on media
  2. Release a REAL collectors edition (not the one they have)
  3. Release art work for an extra few bucks


Thats it.  Thats all the need to do.  In the collectors edition release this shit on media, in a metal fucking case with a replica model of Cloud’s Buster Sword. Maybe a Tifa-sized wife beater (Extra room for the tits… guys please don’t squirt to much) and put in some little extras, maybe a key chain, or a pin, have it very limited edition and stamped or ingraved with the number on it.  If they did this, I am sure people would spend well over $1,000 for it. it.  I have no doubt about it.

So what are your thoughts on this remake? Let me know if I missed something. Did I fuck something up in my rant? if so feel free to post it below and tell me I am a fucking idiot.  (Although you take the risk of me making fun of your penis for calling me an idiot).

Leave a Reply

2 comments on “Joe’s Rant: Final Fantasy VII – Remake?

Trackbacks & Pingbacks


  1. Noelqui Romero May 19, 2016

    Hi, Joe

    I’m not sure if this rant has the date right, (5/10/16) because I would have agreed with your after the last E3… but I have been keeping up with news and interviews, and all the concerns that you have posted here havevbeen cleared, well… as far as I see it.

    FF VII Remake:
    Though SE chose the word ‘episodic’, I think they weren’t clear on the translation. It has come to our attention that ‘episodic’ will not mean splitting the game in parts. If you have been keeping up with everything, you would have known that each game will be a complete game, and the episodes will be more attuned to the post releases of FF XIII. The original story… if it will still be original, will be complete in one game, they will not have us hanging on cliffhangers.

    FF XV:

    I guess you can’t make everyone happy. I think the little changes in developers were a good thing… and there are still many old FF old school developers assisting with this game. SE is experimenting with how they should go forward with the RPG genre, and I guess some people weren’t happy with it…. well, time to move on. The important people are still on board.


    Though I didn’t get much into the spin offs of this loved series, I’m just glad that the most awaited part 3 is finally coming. But there are a lot of people who were grateful to at least have something to play from this universe.

    I guess I am a bit more optimistic, after all, we all have been waiting years for these games.
    But I am taking it easy, and doing something I really haven’t done in a long time… and that is to trust that SE will not screw over these titles. I have been waiting YEARS, I can wait 1 or 2 more. The simple fact that they’really finally listening to their fans is a very humbling feeling. They didn’t have to do this, they could have easily moved on to other series, but they still have faith in these games, and so do I.

    er… I don’t have a penis ( though I wish I did), but I guess female body parts would work as well.

    I really hope you would feel as I do…. hell, just the fact that VII is being remade is enough to make me die in peace… er, after I play it.
    I might be glorifying SE… but if they do cut out the cross dressing part…. I’d be super pissed, but I think I will still play it till the end ;-).

    • Thanks Noelqui!

      I am not going to make fun of your lady parts, mainly because I am surprised anyone would even take the time to read something a crazy guy like me would write. So thank you again for giving your opinions and input. Also, you are correct and I have not been following up on a lot of the Final Fantasy VII (FFVII) remake or even Final Fantasy XV (FFXV) stuff. I do, however, try to find anything I can about the Kingdom Hearts series (not the spin offs) as I, too, can not wait for the third (and final?) game in the series.

      I am very excited for these Square Enix (SE) games to come out as well, as I have been playing the FF Series since the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) days. I have fallen off the SE train a bit after XII. FFXII was a great game, with great characters, awesome hunts, side quests, etc. Everything I could ever want in an RPG. After that though. I don’t know, seems like something has been missing and time frames for releases have become insanely long. FFXV has been in development for 10 years and that is crazy. I believe there may be too many hands in the pot for this game and it most likely has changed from person-to-people etc. like a game of telephone, and that scares me. Will I still play FFXV? Oh hell yeah, but my expectations are not very high.

      As for the Final Fantasy VII remake, I have found zero information about it not being released in sections. According to Forbes* the game is going to be released in sections, while the article came out Dec 2015, I have not seen much more on this. This game has been rumored for a long time, and SE has finally decided to do it. I just hope they do it correctly. I have really HIGH hopes for this, but again am nervous. The original FFVII, was an iconic game in the series, and is beloved by so many, I think maybe we should leave the original game as-is and relive it by replaying it retro style. Why take a good thing and possibly cause an uproar if not done perfectly? I still play Final Fantasy VII from time to time and it still holds up for me.

      Next up! Kingdom Hearts 3. I have been salivating for this game. Dare I say this series is my favorite in all of RPGs (at the moment, but my mind changes all the time lol). I have played a few of the spin offs, and own all the KH games for PS2 and PS3 (KH, KH2, KH1.5, KH2.5 and soon KH2.8). I am clearly throwing my money at SE for these console games, but I am tired of waiting for KH3 to be released and the little bit they did give to me at E3 is less than to be desired. The news about new worlds (like Tangled), but no real in game videos at this point has me losing steam. I am hopeful, they will have something for me at E3 2016 and will be waiting with baited breath.

      So, in the end, I am huge SE fan and JRPG fan in general and really hope these games exceed my low expectations. Some developers are able to come out with great games in a lot shorter of a period of time and I think by making fans wait as long as they are; they are putting a lot more unnecessary stress on themselves to get it perfect and to meet the expectations of being in development as long as they have been (Specifically KH3 and FFXV).

      Thank you again for reading my post, and please feel free to give more of your opinions. I enjoy hearing others POVs and like to be educated and updated with information I do not know or missed. If you don’t already, give 8bitbros podcast a listen. We will have a show in the future (and I am sure it will be sooner then KH3 comes out) about JRPGs and focusing on the FF series specifically. What are your favorite games in the series? What other RPGs do you like? What is your favorite system (Console or PC) to play on? What do you think the VR future holds for RPGs and/or SE titles in the future?


use promo code 8bit for your 10% discount
%d bloggers like this: